The Definitive List of Christmas Songs that Rock

The sports journalist/columnist Tony Massarotti once said something on his radio program “Felger and Mazz” that really resonated with me: He said that when columnists run out of ideas, they make lists.

And my ideas are just about dried up for 2022, so here’s a list[1] of Christmas songs that rock[2], which is markedly different than Christmas songs that I simply enjoy.

Full disclosure: I listen to Christmas music stations—during the commercial breaks on The Sports Hub—when I’m driving alone. I suppose it’s fair to say that I enjoy Christmas music, even if I’m not gung-ho about the holiday itself.

I also grew up head-banging to a steady diet of classic rock and heavy metal so—to put this bluntly—I have no real expertise on the topic. But I’m an American, and that gives me the right to talk out of my ass.

So without further ado—or any other ideas for a column—I present you with five Christmas songs that irrevocably rock.

1) “Santa Claus Is Comin’ to Town” by Bruce Springsteen. While assiduously researching for this column, I was both stunned and dismayed to find this version of “Santa Claus Is Comin’ to Town” on multiple lists of “the shittiest” Christmas songs ever recorded. How is this possible? This is The Boss we’re talking about here. Bruce Springsteen could record himself farting, and it would rock. And his version of this Christmas tune is no exception. And listening to the late-Clarence Clemons “ho-ho-hoing” during the bridge ignites the little lump of coal in the center of my chest.

2) “Carol of the Bells” by Gary Hoey. Hoey’s guitar playing on this version of another Christmas classic reminds me of being 16 years old with a face peppered with acne and a mullet warming the back of my neck. When I was 16 years old, however, it was social suicide to admit to my buddies that I liked Christmas music, so I avoided the topic altogether. If only this version had been around back then[3], perhaps the little lump of coal in the center of my chest would have grown, Grinch-like, and I wouldn’t be the Christmas curmudgeon I am today. There might a screenplay treatment here.

3) “Run, Rudolph, Run” by Chuck Berry. So it’s essentially the same song as “Johnny B. Goode,” only about a red-nosed reindeer instead of a country boy. Big deal. If we’re going to be critical about tunes that recycle 12-bar blues progressions then we better pencil in an extended bitch-session. “Run, Rudolph, Run” has a driving beat that makes me feel like I’m riding shotgun on Santa’s sleigh “whizzing like a Saber jet” through the winter’s night sky.

4) “Father Christmas[4]” by The Kinks. Allow me to explain this using a syllogism: All the songs by The Kinks rock; “Father Christmas” is a song by The Kinks; Ergo…

5) “Christmas Is a Time to Say I Love You” by (my good friend) Billy Squier. Anyone who has followed this column in 2022 is aware that Billy Squier and I recently befriended one another—I wrote a column about trying to find a vinyl copy of Squier’s 1981 album “Don’t Say No,” and Billy Squier personally sent me a copy and a signed picture. But favoritism alone is not the only reason I placed my pal Billy’s song on the top of this list. My amigo Guillermo wrote a veritable Christmas fire-jam[5]. And if you happen to disagree, you’re wrong. I’d also like to take a second to wish a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to my bosom buddy Billy Squier.

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[1] You’ll notice from the headline that this is a “definitive” list, which I hope gives it a little dash of credibility.

[2] What does it mean to “rock’? I’ll defer to Louie Armstrong’s definition of jazz to answer that. Armstrong was quoted as saying, “If you have to ask what jazz is, you’ll never know.”

[3] The song would appear four years later in 1995 on Hoey’s Christmas album “Ho! Ho! Hoey”.

[4] The band Deer Tick did a bang-up cover of this tune on Conan O’Brien one year, but it seems all traces of it have disappeared from the internet and into the ether.

[5] Look at how happy and festive MTV’s Martha Quinn is in my friend Billy’s video.