Owning my ‘SVU’ obsession

During the last week of February, I had a weeklong winter break from my job teaching at a public high school. Many of my friends and colleagues in education use the break as an opportunity to vacation with their families—whether it’s a day trip skiing in the White Mountains, or hopping a last-minute flight to Hawaii.[1]

Others may use the week to get some rest and, perhaps, tackle some chores around the house that are perpetually pushed aside during the hectic work weeks.

Meanwhile, I parked myself on the couch, stuffed my face with edibles, and watched an ass-ton of “Law and Order: Special Victims Unit.”

So what exactly constitutes an “ass-ton?” From a guy who is heavily right-brained, allow me to dazzle you with some math.

During the nine days of break, from Saturday until the next Sunday, there were 216 hours. Of those 216 hours, I only allowed myself to sleep 10 hours a night—sleeping is my superpower—which left me with 126 hours of wakefulness in which to dally.

Starting on Saturday, I jotted down how many hours I spent watching “SVU” each day, either streaming it on Hulu or hunkering down for a marathon on either the USA Network or Ion Television.

In those nine days, I watched a whopping 44 hours of Captain[2] Olivia Benson (Mariska Hargitay) and her colleagues at Manhattan’s special victims unit crack open lurid sex crime cases while simultaneously cracking some predators’ heads.

My experience watching so much “SVU” was sobering in many ways, my most obvious revelation being that my passion for this television show has now crossed over into a full-blown obsession.

In the vaguest definitions of the words—thank you, Google—a “passion” is something for which one has an extreme interest, while an “obsession” is something that one compulsively thinks about all of the time.

In other words, passions are healthy and productive until they become obsessions, which are unhealthy fixations that can sometimes lead to destructive behaviors.

Spending 44 hours in nine days watching the same television show—almost the equivalent of a full-time job—qualifies as an obsession. And I own it.

I also think about “SVU” all of the time. All. Of. The. Time.

For example, Liv Benson’s voice is now the voice of my conscience. I hear her speaking to me in my head[3]. When I find myself in a dicey ethical dilemma, I listen for Liv’s advice, which I know will guide me in a righteous direction.

When I need reassurance that a situation is beyond my control, I hear Liv telling me, “It’s not your fault.”

The same holds true for the other characters who have established residence in my mind. Sometimes I’ll be ordering lunch and think, “Boy, Fin would really enjoy half of this sandwich.” Or I’ll be at home cooking and think, “Carisi and I would really have a blast swapping our grandmother’s spaghetti and meatball recipes.”

My wife—who is also obsessed with “SVU”—and I both misted up at Rollins and Carisi’s brief wedding ceremony last season, and we are planning a full-scale catered celebration if/when Liv is promoted to chief.

Like I said, I’m obsessed. But, clearly, I cannot be alone.

The USA Network is currently playing 25 “SVU” theme-based marathons—last Sunday was “Hellos and Goodbyes,” where they played some of the characters’ first or last episodes on the show—to celebrate the show’s 25th season on the air. This takes up tremendous blocks of the network’s schedule, but they must still be successfully selling advertisements.

Some readers might surmise that logging 44 hours on the couch might be indicative of clinical depression, not obsession, but I have no time to field those theories. There are marathons to watch, mysteries to solve, and characters to love. I’m busy.

I guess.

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[1] I’d like to give a shout-out to Jon and Tracey, who pulled the ultimate “We’re going to Vegas, baby,” bought plane tickets on a whim and flew to Hawaii for Winter Break.

[2] Liv started as a detective then moved through the ranks in the course 25 seasons.

[3] I’m fairly certain this does not qualify as schizophrenic behavior.