O P I N I O N

NOT THAT PROFOUND

By Nathan Graziano

It is a Herculean task to crack the canon of classic holiday films. While there are a number of staples, such as “It’s a Wonderful Life,” “A Christmas Story,” “A Christmas Carol” and “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation,” it can be argued that “Elf” in 2003¹ was the last movie added to this list.

Now, in 2024, it is time to clear a spot for a new holiday classic.

In November, Netflix dropped director Jerry Ciccoritti’s “Hot Frosty”—such a fetchingly oxymoronic title—and this reviewer predicts that, for years to come, holiday audiences will be warming up to this tour-de-force film the moment after the Thanksgiving turkey hits the fridge.

The movie is a modern retelling of the 1969 animated special “Frosty the Snowman,” based on the song first recorded by Gene Autry and the Cass County Boys in 1950. Now the “Frosty” story is set in Hope Springs, New York, which is the “Home of the Annual Snow Sculpture Competition,” as the rustic wooden sign welcoming visitors to this quaint little hamlet reads.

“Hot Frosty” stars the inimitable Lacey Chabert as Kathy Barret, a recent widow living in a single family home with a broken furnace, one of many brilliant motifs woven into the script by screenwriter Russell Hainline.

And now, instead of Jimmy Durante singing the theme song, the band Coldplay—get it?—does the rocking theme² for the “Hot Frosty” soundtrack.

I mean, sweet Frosty Jesus, what is not to love about this film already?

The movie begins during the holiday season with the Annual Snow Sculpture Contest taking place in the center of town, and Kathy, who owns a diner named Kathy’s Kafe³, is a little down due to her cold and empty house and her husband’s passing.

Kathy then receives some advice for finding love again from her friend, Mel (Sherry Miller), who owns a clothing store called Reclaimed Rags with her ambiguously gay husband, Theo (Dan Lett). “You’ll never find the warmth unless you venture out in the cold,” Mel sagely tells Kathy before handing her a red scarf from the shelf of her store.

For some reason, never fully explained, one of the local artists sculpts their entry to resemble a young Calvin Klein male model, and Kathy seems to be crushing on the snow sculpture while walking home one night. But instead of making out with the snow sculpture—because that would be weird—she wraps the red scarf around its neck.

If you’ve ever seen the original “Frosty the Snowman” or heard the song, you can probably figure out the rest of the plot. Only instead of portly cartoon snowman coming to life, the sculpture comes alive as a middle-aged woman’s pornographic fantasy named Jack (Dustin Milligan).

It turns out that Jack is sensitive, considerate, dumb and ridiculously ripped and handsome with a strong jaw and oh-so blue eyes. There is a term for this type of young man, which is a slant-rhyme with “Bok choy.⁴” Jack the Bok Choy can also cook, repair anything around the house, and he enjoys dancing and long cuddly hugs without the expectation of sex to follow.

However, Jack’s arrival in Hope Springs has rankled Sheriff Nate Hunter (Craig Robinson), who believes in law and order without wiggle room for common sense, and wants to bust Jack the Bok Choy for arriving unexpectedly in town naked then breaking the display window in front of Reclaimed Rags.

As Jack the Bok Choy stays with Kathy to evade Sheriff Hunter, he also breaks down the safeguards on Kathy’s emotions as Kathy develops a perverse attraction to the affable snowman. I won’t print any spoilers or give away any of the myriad plot twists Hainline throws at the audience, but…wow.

First and foremost, Chabert returns to her “Party of Five” onscreen prowess as a middle-aged woman who is torn between mourning her dead husband and her desire to bonk a much younger snowman. Certainly, one wonders what would happen if Kathy actually does copulate with Jack the Bok Choy, seeing he starts to melt anytime he is indoors and body heat would seemingly puddle him before the clothes come off.

There are also certain anatomical concerns this reviewer had, given the sculpture was only carved from the waist up, but I suppose that it is best not to think too hard about it.

And for the avid fan of Hallmark Christmas films who want something a little steamier—there are some metaphorical sex scenes for viewers willing to entertain such filth—“Hot Frosty” is your magic red scarf.

I fully expect that for years and decades to come, when families sit around the fireplace on Christmas day, looking to find that old yuletide joy, “Hot Frosty” will be on everyone’s menu with the eggnog and figgy pudding.

1. I would also throw “Bad Santa” in 2003 on that list.  ↩︎
2. By “rocking,” I mean really, really shitty.   ↩︎
3. If it were “Kathy’s Kozy Kafe,” we would have a completely different and disturbing film. ↩︎
4. Think about it. ↩︎