O P I N I O N

NOT THAT PROFOUND

By Nathan Graziano

We are nearing the end of something that preschool teachers like to refer to as “Spooky Season,” which culminates in Halloween, when the dead dance with the living on Oct. 31.

So we—collectively—have another week to catch our breath before we get trucked by a barrage of Hallmark Christmas movies, where every day will include Meredith Baxter and Danica McKellar icing a gingerbread house in a quaint country kitchen while extolling the virtues of the cute new architect who came to Podunk, Pennsylvania, to work on the town’s Christmas hall that he designed for the holiday season.

But I digress.

During this aforementioned Spooky Season, which runs throughout the month of October, fans of horror films can engage in a veritable orgy of gore on cable television and streaming services.

Personally, I love horror movies. If you can promise me 90 minutes of amorous teenagers getting disemboweled by a psychopath in a clown suit, I’m in. If you can place relatively normal people in the woods at night and promise me that at some point a chainsaw will roar to life, I’m also in.

However, there are certain horror films that upset my lapsed-Catholic soul, like slinging back shots of hot sauce with a peptic ulcer.

The monsters and the gore don’t bother me. I can even stomach the psychological monster. I’m a writer, and I’d still rather have Annie Wilkes administer a home enema on me than deal with any of the problems that the characters confront in the list of films below.

I’m talking, of course, about demonic possession. If a character is possessed by a demonic spirit, I’m out. If a ouija board is in any way part of the mise en scène, I’m also out. Demonic possession is a surefire way to freak out a Catholic—even a lapsed-Catholic, like me.

So, without further ado, here is my no bueno horror film list that all Catholics should avoid if they treasure sleep in any way, shape or form.

1. “The Conjuring” (2013): I grew up in Rhode Island, and this house really exists in Rhode Island. And the demon in this flick is one of the most pissed off evil spirits on this side of The Vatican. The most distressing part of this evil possession is the fact that the damn demon follows you after hopping inside your skin and using you as a host. I probably drove past this house when I was growing up, and who is to say that the damn demon didn’t jump in the car and get inside me? It might just be waiting patiently to possess me then force me to kill my kids. Would that work in an insanity plea?
2. “The Omen” (1976): What a nightmare scenario. You take the wrong baby home from a hospital in Italy, hoping your wife doesn’t notice the difference. And it freaking works! In fact, for six years, she remains oblivious. But it’s not like this kid had inherited bad teeth, and you’re going to have to pony-up for braces. Nope. This kid is the son of Satan! He possesses people left and right, making them jump out of windows and hang themselves. He also has his minions kill anyone—including your wife—who might step in the way of his nifty little plan to take over mankind. I’m all set with Satan’s kid. Even his bowl haircut is creepy.
3. “Rosemary’s Baby” (1968): I know, director Roman Polanski alone is horrifying enough, but this film seems to take direct aim at the only Catholic in the room. Rosemary Woodhouse (Mia Farrow) is raped and impregnated by Satan himself—Satan must be crushing it on Tinder these days—while her husband and a largely geriatric group of Satan’s cheerleaders chant around the bed as Rosemary and Satan get busy. Rosemary then ends up with an even more terrifying haircut and gnaws on raw meat before giving birth to the Devil’s spawn, who she may or may not learn to love. No bueno, indeed.
4. “The Exorcist” (1973): No. Just no.

You can commiserate with the author at ngrazio5@yahoo.com